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The Architecture of Mothering boys

On the day I snapped this picture of Cruz, I was ready to collapse into that chair myself. Really, it was a trying day. A trying week if you really want to know the truth. Nobody knows the trouble this mommy has seen. I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t compare motherhood to slavery. Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve seen is a song that originated among slaves in the 1800’s. Sometimes I feel like a slave taking care of my six men, four of them little boys, but don’t be fooled, these boys are men in small packages. They pee standing up. This is […]

By Paula September 29, 2015

When it’s time to retreat

What does “retreat” mean when you’re at war? You fall back from the enemy. You get away and get some rest and gather your strength to fight another day. Not Cynthia Heald’s exact words, but pretty close. When she said this speaking to a room full of women this past weekend at Redwood Christian Park, I thought, yes! This is exactly why I’m here. I’m weary and wounded and I desperately need time to regroup. Down in the redwood forest the leaves are falling. And I’ve been falling for awhile now. Into bed. Into my daily routine. Into tears that […]

By Paula September 22, 2015

When the road is long

Maybe it’s the headlines. Or stuff on Facebook. Or the fires burning up California. I told a friend yesterday, “I just can’t take anymore bad news.” But then the rain came down. And the firefighters danced. And today felt like a long sigh of relief. Sort of. The smell of smoke and rain. Together in the valley. Things are kind of bad and kind of good and I’m sort of hanging in the balance of this dual existence right now. This bittersweet life. And what I’ve really discovered in the past several years of drought and loss and life kind […]

By Paula September 17, 2015

Wishblower

I’ve been looking for dandelions ever since Anna’s mom told me the week before Anna died she called her sister a wishblower. Emily was out in the yard making wishes on dandelions. “Isn’t that just like her?” said Anna to her mom as they watched sixteen-year-old Emily, her long brown hair shining in the sun, make her wishes that waning afternoon. Just days later, Emily walked away from that accident on a dark highway after a high school soccer game. Anna didn’t make it. Two sisters who did everything together now separated by heaven and earth. I know. I’ve been […]

By Paula September 10, 2015

Seeking in September

September always brought the “Almond Wars.” Once upon a time when an old almond orchard was our backyard. The boys gathered all the almonds on the ground and threw them at each other. If you could make someone say “ouch” you got a point. Of course I did not approve of this game. But I miss the boys laughing and yelling over almond wars. And I miss our old almond trees. The orchard blew down in the big storm of ’08. We now have an open field behind our house. The older kids talk of putting in a sand volleyball […]

By Paula September 2, 2015

Anna Was Here

When Anna was little, she carved her name into a desk at St. Mary’s Academy. “She did it because she wanted to be remembered,” said Anna’s mom, Denise, the day after what would have been Anna’s 15th birthday. “For her valedictorian speech upon graduating 8th grade, Anna shared how she’d learned being “here” wasn’t about her at all. It was about something bigger than you. About the people around you. About making a difference in your community,” Anna’s mom explained. In a hundred signs. In a hundred ways. Anna was here making a difference on her birthday. We’d all […]

By Paula August 27, 2015

When the first day of school is bigger than you

I don’t remember my first day of preschool, but I remember my last. Sitting on a bench with my mom outside the classroom as she chewed me out for chewing on a boy’s arm. Okay I didn’t chew on his arm, I bit him, hard. I started preschool because Mom was a night nurse and she needed to sleep during the day. “If you’re real quiet and stay off your pony while I’m in bed, I’ll let you stay home with me,” she said after unsuccessfully talking me into no more biting. I wasn’t about to promise no more biting. […]

By Paula August 18, 2015