He was a boy and I was a girl and under a full moon he tried to kiss me. Who kisses a girl on the first date? Not even a date, this I-want-to-get-to-know-you-so-I-came-to-this-party-but-I’m-not-ready-to-kiss-you night when I knew, deep down knew, this boy was for me.

So three years later, I married him. And ten years after that, I wanted a divorce. Three cute kids, a four bedroom house, and two SUVs later I wanted a divorce because marriage got hard.

And divorce appeared easy. Not really easy, but easier than being married to hard. To make this long story short, we stuck it out. Got on our knees, got right with God, and right with each other. It’s sounds so simple, but it was hard.

Life can be hard.

When an NFL football player knocks his woman out in an elevator, the world screams that’s too hard. And it is. This punch seen round the world left everyone reeling. But not really. Because really, men and women fight. Usually not like pro-boxers, but they fight. They may not beat each other up, but words can be weapons that knock out a marriage. And selfishness destroys far more couples than domestic violence.

But nobody screams about selfishness. Do what’s best for you, is the motto of our society. But after twenty-five years of marriage, I can tell you “doing what’s best for you” will kill your marriage. I’ve been married to an unsaved husband and a saved husband. The unsaved husband lived for himself. The saved husband lives for Jesus. The difference is staggering.

For nearly half our marriage, Scott and I lived for ourselves and our marriage took a beating. But once we turned to God, our hearts changed, and our lives changed. It didn’t happen overnight, but it happened. Slow and steady as a rising tide love grew in our lives. Affection for Jesus and for each other.

Because real love sacrifices.

When we first started walking sacrifice out in our marriage it felt like learning a new language, like speaking Latin with your tongue in a knot. We didn’t always get it right, but we kept after it. It wasn’t about: What Would Jesus Do? It was about: What Has Jesus Done?

Our Savior died for us so we began to die for each other on a daily basis.

Back then Scott loved flying and I loved writing so for a number of years both of us stopped doing these things we loved so we could better love each other. This was a life-changer. We had to give up our careers. We made a lot less money. Scott went from being a pilot to being a teacher. I no longer had an income. We sold our nice two-story house and moved into a small rental. When we got married, we’d wanted a large family, but selfishness had killed that dream. Now that we focused on our family, we both realized we wanted more kids. But kids cost money so I stopped shopping at Nordstrom’s and turned to thrift stores. Pregnant at thrift stores for the next eight years. No longer could I afford my salon-styled blond hair or Estee Lauder makeup. Ponytails and Walmart mascara became me. I grew a garden, and grew God’s grace in my life, pouring out this free grace in my marriage.

We sat in our backyard a lot just watching our kids play. Trips to Disneyland and out to dinner ordering steaks and drinks became a thing of the past. Hot dogs and camping became our new fun. We all drank water and always drove home Saturday night because we made Sunday church a priority. Held hands together in church, promising Jesus we would love Him and love each other.

Because when a man loves Jesus, he loves a woman, too. I’ve seen this first hand.

In the middle of my breakdown, Scott slept on the emergency room floor beside my bed because he wouldn’t leave my side. I was sedated for several days at the hospital, and when I awoke, he was there on his knees beside my bed, sobbing that he loved me, praying over me, living for me.

It took this breakdown for me to see I was unconditionally loved by God and by my husband. At my very worst, I was loved. When I was broken and helpless, I was loved.

The Bible says, God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble, James 4:6.

Most of us don’t need a breakdown to break our hearts wide open, but we all need Jesus broken on the cross to break the sin of selfishness inside us.