“Are you determined to have your own way in living for God? We will never be free from this trap until we are brought into the experience of the baptism of “the Holy Spirit and fire” (Matthew 3:11). Stubbornness and self-will will always stab Jesus Christ. It may hurt no one else, but it wounds His Spirit. Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set on our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus. Every time we stand on our own rights and insist that this is what we intend to do, we are persecuting Him. Whenever we rely on self-respect, we systematically disturb and grieve His Spirit. And when we finally understand that it is Jesus we have been persecuting all this time, it is the most crushing revelation ever.

Is the Word of God tremendously penetrating and sharp in me as I hand it on to you, or does my life betray the things I profess to teach? I may teach sanctification and yet exhibit the spirit of Satan, the very spirit that persecutes Jesus Christ. The Spirit of Jesus is conscious of only one thing – a perfect oneness with the Father. And He tells us, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). All I do should be based on a perfect oneness with Him, not on a self-willed determination to be godly. This will mean that others may use me, go around me, or completely ignore me, but if I will submit to it for His sake, I will prevent Jesus Christ from being persecuted.”

From My Utmost for his Highest by Oswald Chambers.

I had a dream last night that Scott brought home five babies wanting me to raise them along with our seven kids. When I balked at this, he placed one in my lap, a little dark-haired girl with big brown eyes. “Okay, just this one,” he said before walking away, leaving the baby with me. I still didn’t like the idea, but my spirit began to yield to this, my dream thinking spinning out: well Cruz is hard, but maybe this little girl will be easy and I’ll survive.

Then Scott returned with another baby. This one didn’t have a child’s head, it had a rabbit head. I said, “Scott, it doesn’t even have a baby’s head, it’s a rabbit head.”

He said, “Oh, the baby’s head is under there somewhere.” And he began to try to pull off the rabbit head, which alarmed me. Unsuccessful in this attempt, Scott then walked away leaving the little brown-eyed girl and rabbit baby with me, and then the dream turned into a frightening nightmare with evil men pursuing me, trying to kill me. I fought back like a three-legged coyote, chewing-my-own-limb-off-determined to get away from the killers. Finally, I woke up sweaty and shaken and a little miffed with God that I struggle with nightmares from time to time.

Then in my devotions this morning, I read the above Oswald Chambers. Conviction fell upon me that there is still a lot of self-will in my life. I tend to think I’m surrendered because I have seven children. But the truth is, I’m a hard nut to crack. I haven’t lain all the way down yet. I’m doing the limbo, leaning farther and farther back in my walk with Christ with each child He places in my womb, but in no way have I lain down yet resting fully in Christ.

This makes me sad because I want to joyfully surrender everything to my Savior. He gave his all for me on the cross, I want to give my all for Him on this earth. Perhaps the rabbit baby dream came about because the boys went to the dentist this week. Three of them came out cavity free so we went to the pet store to pick out their treats. Fish for our aquarium. But of course when we got there, two of the boys didn’t want fish. They wanted furry critters. “No way,” I said holding on tightly to my high horse. In the past, we’ve done hamsters, rats, and dwarf hamsters (tiny devil hamsters).

Who takes care of these varmints?

Me.

Presently I feed fish, dogs, cats, chickens, and often the horses, along with boys coming out my ears and a baby that lives to nurse. I was not about to take on one more feeding and poop chore. We left with three new fish, only to return to a dead aquarium motor so I had to go back to the store to replace it. No motors sold separately fit our tank so purchasing a new aquarium was required. I then swapped out the motors last night.

Should have dreamed of fish head baby. But the crazy dream did one profound thing. Followed with the Oswald Chambers, this morning I see self-will as the root cause of my lack of resting in Christ these days.

So I come to the Savior this morning confessing self-will. Pleading to be healed of this sin so I can rest in Him.

Trust in Him.

Live for Him.