“I’m a good person. I believe in God. Why wouldn’t I go to heaven?”

“You are not a good person, you are a sinner in need of a savior.” I remember the day I told my friend this, and he didn’t take it so well. Later, my friend came to know Jesus and agreed with me that “Nobody is good but God alone,” Mark 10:18. He arrived at this conclusion because he read it for himself in the Bible.

Since then, I’ve repeated this scripture to many people, including myself because we all need a reality check from time to time. Nobody wants to hear they aren’t good. Especially Americans. And there’s a movement in today’s church teaching women: You’re so strong! You’re so amazing! You’re so awesome, but the truth is, really, you’re not.

But you are loved.

I just can’t take anymore facebook blasts or little birdy tweets about how awesome you are without telling you who God says you are. God proclaims, “Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob, little Israel do not fear, for I myself will help you,” declares the LORD, your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel” Isaiah 41:14.

God calls you a worm. His little worm. But the good news is, God will help you. God will redeem you. God will turn you into “A chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” 1 Peter 2:9.

And God doesn’t save you and redeem you and call you into his marvelous light to make you a marvelous person. God saves you and redeems you and draws you into the light so you can declare to the world He is a marvelous God.  

One of the biggest problems for Christians today is we make far too much of ourselves and far too little of God. We come to God wanting ____ fill in the blank. It’s all about what God can do for us in today’s consumer Christianity. We want God to fix us. Heal us. Rescue us from cancer, bankruptcy, or a bad spouse. I know this personally because this is how I came to Christ.

When I first started seeking God, I wanted out of my marriage. My conversation with the Lord went something like this, my husband doesn’t want to go to church. He doesn’t want religion. I really need a new husband. And God said to me, I hate divorce. Malachi 2:16. The first thing God did was straighten out my expectations. God said, I love you and I want you to love Me. And I want you to love your husband. 

I nearly walked away from God right then because I didn’t want to love my husband. I wanted a divorce. Slowly and relentlessly God revealed himself to me, and the more I saw of God, the less I thought of myself. My real breakthrough came when I realized what a pitiful sinner I was and how desperately I needed God’s forgiveness.

“Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil,” Proverbs 3:7. 

For so long I’d been wise in my own eyes. I thought I knew what was best for me, but God turned all that on its head. As I read the Bible each day, I learned just how differently God’s take on life was from mine. “Teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be slaves to much wine. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God” Titus 2:3-5.

My goodness! I sure had a lot to learn. That last part about being submissive to their husbands about killed me. So I sat in my backyard in the shade of a cottonwood tree and imagined Christ dying on the cross for me. I pictured his suffering, his blood running down, most of all his love pouring out for me. I put myself in the place of the prostitute who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, dried those holy feet with her hair, then later stood weeping at the cross as Jesus died for her. I really, deeply, truly let this all sink in. Took Christ’s death deep into my heart, then went back into the house, picked up my phone, and called an older woman I knew loved God and was devoted to her husband. “I really need your help,” I told her. “I am not a submissive wife. The last thing I want to do is obey my husband. Please teach me how to do this.”

Thus began my journey of becoming the loving, obedient wife the Bible said I must be. It’s been a bumpy ride but I’m getting there. Making Bible reading a daily habit has helped so much. Surrounding myself with older women who love God and respect, submit, and serve their husbands has also made a world of difference. What has not helped is hearing how fabulous I am. How awesome I am because I’m a strong Christian woman. How clean and bright and shiny I am now because I go to church and don’t sin anymore and hang out with other strong, shiny women who go to church and don’t sin.

Ha! Sure, I don’t go down to the local bar and get drunk and sing Karaoke these days. Now, I have to watch myself that I don’t get pulled into church battles or facebook frenzies or I-am-woman-hear-me-roar conversations. The past few years have really helped. There’s nothing like a breakdown to burn humility deep into a person’s soul. I wouldn’t trade what I’ve suffered for anything because it has humbled me. Down to the bone, I’ve learned how weak I truly am.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” 2 Corinthians 12:9.

The last thing a Christian needs is to boost their self-esteem. What we really need in the church today is to boost our God-esteem. And to boost our knowledge of how much God loves us.