Our daughter Lacy is now 32 weeks pregnant and baby Benjamin is growing well. We so appreciate your prayers for the miracle that Benjamin will be born healthy, though all medical tests have indicated he won’t live. God’s ways are not our ways. The Bible says, “We glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope,” Romans 5:3-4.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like suffering. I want to be happy, healthy, well-off, and wise. And I want that even more for my children. And yet, we all face heartbreak. Most of us get sick at some point in our lives. Many of us struggle to make a living. And how often does our own foolishness lead to problems? I have yet to meet someone who says, “Life is easy.” Most people tell me, “Life is hard.” Especially right now.

California is facing another lockdown with businesses already on the brink. One of my favorite stores has closed for good in our town, and our favorite restaurants and gyms are barely holding on. And now with schools shut down completely again, Scott is no longer able to substitute teach. It’s going to be a hard candy Christmas for us. And the uncertainty over baby Benjamin is building.

Here is Lacy and her beloved horse Teddy back in March, around the time Lacy got pregnant with Benjamin. Teddy was Lacy’s first love, her high school boyfriend, I call him. Lacy adores this horse. She was happy and healthy last spring and so was Teddy. In early autumn, Lacy went to see Teddy at my parents’ ranch like she always does and found he could hardly walk. A visit from the vet confirmed our worst fears. Teddy’s hoof cannot be healed, he would have to be put down.

With Lacy sobbing against Teddy’s neck, I pulled the vet aside and quietly explained that Lacy’s baby was not expected to survive either. The vet was shaken and so was I. It broke my heart again to see Lacy so devastated. I told the vet we needed some time. We would call when we were ready to put Teddy to sleep.

That night my dad gave Lacy some really good advice. “If we put down everything that is old and in pain,” Opa told Lacy, “You would have to put down me and Oma, too. Teddy will lie down when he is ready and then we will put him to sleep.”

I am pondering this wisdom from 78-year-old Opa. Like Lacy and Jake, Scott and I faced whether or not to keep going or terminate a pregnancy after an ultrasound revealed our baby likely had Down syndrome thirteen years ago. Our son Garry James from that uncertain pregnancy is normal and healthy today. Garry’s older brothers call him “West Point” because that is Garry’s dream, and he’s never gotten less than an “A” on any report card. Not only is Garry intelligent, but he’s also athletic and well-liked. Of course, I’m his mom, so I’m a little biased. He’s just an all-around amazing boy.

Garry James is our miracle. We asked everyone to pray that Garry would be born healthy, and from the day he arrived, he has been a wonder to us.

When it comes to animals, we also had two old labs we dearly love. Buck had to be put down the day after Christmas last year, and Nala, our other old dog, is still hanging in there, though I thought she would die before Buck.

Here is Buck eight years ago with our youngest son, Christian. I’ve decided as long as Nala can get out to the orchard and back with me, we will let nature take its course. Is she sick and suffering? Yes, she is, but Nala still has life left in her and I’m not going to make it easier on us by putting her down now so we don’t have to watch her battle cancer.

Teddy is still with us too. He’s getting special treatment at my parents’ barn and Lacy goes to see him on her days off. She loves on him and Teddy loves on her and I find this very life-giving. Can Teddy run through the pasture with the other horses? No. But he’s eating well and another old horse is keeping him company at the barn and he enjoys Lacy’s visits.

Right now we are on the day to day plan. Benjamin is alive and growing today in Lacy’s womb, though doctors said in September he would no longer grow, that he was declining, and about to die. After the vet left on that day we were told Teddy would have to be put down, Lacy told me, “They said the same thing about my baby.” And then she sobbed in my arms, her little pregnant body shaking so hard it was like she was coming apart. I thought, Oh, Lord, why are you crushing us this way?

I don’t tell you this to expose our deep pain without purpose. I share this with you to inspire you to not be your own god. To open yourself to waiting and to wonder, to put yourself in a position for God to show you his glory, even if that glory is revealed in suffering.

“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you,” Job 42:5. Nobody suffered like Job in the Bible, and this is what Job said at the end of his suffering. It was a season of profound suffering that made Job see God with his own eyes. At the end of it all, Job was doubly blessed by God, and his life was restored.

There is a God in heaven who takes care of babies and animals and us grown-ups too. We can lean into the arms of God or we can keep strong-arming our way through life, doing everything we can to take care of ourselves and protect our hearts from suffering.

Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered, Hebrews 5:8. This is a biblical truth and something we can’t escape if we endeavor to walk with Jesus. “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world,” John 16:33.

Thank you so much for walking this hard journey with us and for praying for baby Benjamin. Thank you also to our neighbor Dan McCracken for taking such a beautiful picture of yesterday morning’s stunning sunrise, which is the feature photo for this blog post. I took a video of the sunrise before the storm. If you follow me on Facebook, I posted the sunrise video there. https://www.facebook.com/paulascottbicknell.9

I want to leave you with a video of Benjamin’s big sister Lily yesterday playing in the rain. It makes me smile every time I watch it. I hope it makes you smile too.